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I’m trying to do the best I can in life. I came out at 19 as bisexual and I’m a male. I was bullied for most of my life, and I was outed before I even quite knew I was bi. I was the only out guy for a few points at my school. I felt I couldn’t relate to my friends at times because they were all straight. I had my first kiss with a guy at 20, and he ended up being my roommate, but it always hurt that he stayed in the closet. I kissed a few girls during that time but I didn’t do much. I met a guy I really feel for when I was 21. He acted like he really cared about me, and I fell for him. He used me as fling, and later sexually assaulted me. I’m still to this day so ashamed of it, because he was drunk, and I supplied his beer for him because he was underage. He ended it after that night, and never remembered it. I still have a hard dealing with it and it’s been almost a year.
I transferred schools not long after that and before I went there I agreed to be another guys boyfriend. After a rough college semester at the previous school, I cheated on him with the ex that assaulted me. I still feel ashamed of it.
I have found it hard at times to be out at my new school. I’m a broadcast journalism major, a little older then my classmates and the only transfer to my major and I also have a learning disability. I’m a big part of the LGBT group on campus and I everybody is nice but I can’t relate to them because most to them because their straight. My friends at school are mostly straight and can’t give much advice. Most of my friends are dating each other too.
I’m still a virgin and it’s very embarrassing at my age, because most of my friends have lost it. I’ve never been in a long term relationship either and I long for that.
I had a rival of mine in my major start to target me for my sexuality after I told my straight crush that I loved him. I got in trouble for it, and I got kicked out of the journalism club on campus, and lost a few friends over it (over telling my crush).
I’m lucky to have most people support me and not be bothered by it, but it’s still tough.
I feel like that i’ll never be happy without love.
Trevor, how can I be a good student, a good role model for BI people, be a good friend, and find a guy or girl who will love me?
I’m struggling with this. Please help.
Bisexual and Regretful.
Thank you so much for writing to us. It takes a lot of courage to let it out and tell someone what you have been going through. Dealing with sexuality is never an easy process and sometimes it just takes time to be comfortable around others and yourself. The important thing to remember is that there is nothing to be ashamed about regarding any decision or situation you have been in. You should applaud yourself for being as strong as you are going through the life obstacles you have.
I can only imagine how hard it has been being alone during this difficult time in your life. Is there anyone you can talk to about your past relationship and what happened such as a counselor or another adult? It’s never healthy keeping traumatic events such as this pinned up inside. You should never worry about how you identify yourself. Whether we decide we are bisexual or gay is an answer that comes with time. If you decide that’s how you want to identify yourself as bisexual then that’s perfectly okay.
Transferring schools can be difficult for anyone, especially when you are having such a difficult time in your life. It’s important to have a support group around you regardless of what label they have whether it be gay, straight, or transgender. If you feel like you are unable to have honest conversations and receive the support you need with the current friends you have, it’s okay to reach out to others online that may be experiencing or have experienced similar situations. Ask Trevor is always here for you in your time of need. You can find others who may have experienced similar situations on TrevorSpace.org. Always remember you can reach out to us anytime you need an ear or just someone to talk to. If you ever feel it’s overwhelming and too much to handle please remember we are always here at the Trevor Project if you need us. Please reference the following link should you feel you need someone to talk to right away http://www.thetrevorproject.org/section/get-help/.