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Lesbian Crush (Is She Gay Too?)

Question:

I have a crush on this girl at my school and I’m wondering if she returns those feelings (we know who each other are but aren’t exactly friends). It started last year at school when she eyed me across the hallway. At first I thought she just found me attractive, but then her eyes followed me all the way down the stairs. The next day she stared at me as I walked past her locker and kept doing this repeatedly every time. I’ve seen her check out all kinds of girls (turning her head, looking them up and down), but she seems to have a particular interest in me. About a week later I watched her as she walked down the stairs across the hall from me and sure enough she held my stare the whole time and looked closely at me with a smile as she passed me. One time she turned her whole head and smiled as I drove past her. Now I thought all of this was just being super friendly until my sister told me something that really questioned her. She works at a clothing store in town, and one day my sister went in (she knows we are related) and she hid her promise ring (covering it with her hand when my sister looked at it). She does have a boyfriend that gave it to her but I’ve heard that they show no PDA at all ever. So finally I decide to go in to this clothing store to see her myself and when I did she stared at my cleavage (where a little bit of my bra was showing by accident), looked up slowly and smiled. Then next time I go in I’m facing her diagonally and I look up, catch her staring (her whole body facing me), and she quickly darts her eyes away, turns her body and puts her arm up on the cash register.
I don’t know what she is, but I do know she has very unaccepting and cynical friends who call each other “fucking faggots”. So knowing all of this, I asked her to be friends on Facebook. She has a lot of friends (slightly over 800) and is the type that just accepts anyone who asks her… but for some reason she isn’t accepting mine! She hasn’t declined either, but it’s been a week and still no answer from her. Perhaps she doesn’t want me to see something on her site? I really need advice on what to do about her because she is driving me crazy and unfortunately I am very sexually attracted to her. I haven’t been to see her at the clothing store in almost a month… should I just leave her alone?

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hello, I’m happy that you decided to reach out to us for advice about you and your crush! Its not easy opening up to a stranger about these personal feelings, so you are brave for seeking feedback. Having a crush on someone can be intense, scary, and confusing, especially when its a gay crush. On top of the typical question of whether they like us back, there’s the question of whether they are even gay, questioning, or bisexual. This can be hard to figure out and deal with because the possibility of rejection feels bigger. I’m very sorry to hear that your crush’s friends say homophobic things. It hurts to think that a crush is around that kind of negative influence. But it sounds like there is a big possibility that your crush might like you back! That must feel good!

I know its a bummer to see your crush not accept your friend request. When things like this happen, you want to know what they are thinking so bad! Its hard not to think that she’s avoiding you or isn’t interested, but my advice to you is to make sure not to rule out all the other possibilities quite yet. She may be too shy to add you, or like you said, she might feel self-conscious about adding you because of certain things on her page. If she has a boyfriend, she may be afraid to add you, or maybe she saw your friend request and simply forgot about it. I think that you should test the waters with her in person and try talking to her. Be friendly and try to make conversation. When it feels right, maybe you can ask her to hang out with you outside of school, even just to go get something to eat or see a movie. This way you can find out more about her and get more of an idea of how she feels about you. Being friends might make the situation easier because then you can make more accurate judgments of her sexuality. Trust your intuition and make decisions about how to respond based on your gut feelings. If you talk to her and she seems uninterested or stand-off-ish, maybe give it a little time before trying again, or wait for her to come to you.

Also make sure to always understand what she might be going through. If she isn’t straight, she may not be as comfortable about her sexuality as you, and it might be frightening for her at this stage in her life. She may not understand herself fully yet. Not only that, but she may be very scared to admit to you or even herself that she is attracted to you. Its important to be gentle and also patient.

I would also suggest joining TrevorSpace and/or emptyclosets.com, where you can find others in similar situations. It might help to read other people’s crush stories or talk on a forum to receive more tips from other like-minded people. It might also greatly benefit you to find an LGBT center near you, where you can hang out with other like-minded gay and lesbian people who can serve as your support system, especially if your faced with hard times.

Remember that you are not alone! Everyone has experience with having a crush on someone and not knowing what to do. Some of us have many, many of those stories! Please write to us again if you need more advice, and don’t forget to call out hotline at 1-866-488-7386.

Sincerely,

The Trevor Project