Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online question and answer resource for young people who have questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity.

On September 1st, Ask Trevor will be transitioning to become a broader more effective resource for LGBTQ young people and their allies. This means we will no longer be accepting incoming letters starting on Tuesday, September 2nd. However, if you send us a letter before September 2nd, you will receive a response. Please note that your wait time may be longer than usual. In the meantime, please continue to browse through our extensive library of previously answered letters, and stay tuned for what’s coming next!

If you are feeling suicidal, or need to talk to someone right away, please call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386. It’s available 24/7, 365 days a year. You can also chat with a Trevor counselor at Trvr.org/Chat from 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. PT / 3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. ET.

Please note: If you live outside of the United States and need to talk to someone, please seek help at the nearest emergency room or check out the following international hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

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Love or Family?

Question:

So I never put this into words and it’s a little difficult for me to say but I need some advice. I’ve always gone through life dating girls because I am bisexual but I want to try to branch out and dat a guy. The issue here is my family is irrationally judgmental towards homosexuals and I haven’t come out to them yet. A lot of guys won’t date me because I haven’t come out to my parents and we can’t be seen in public which is completely understandable but I do want to try to date a guy. My question is should I come out to my family and be happy in a relationship but not be able to see my family ever again because I know that they will disown me or should I just never date a guy and go through life not knowing and have a family to come home to? Whenever I asked people this question they told me that I should just be with whoever I want to be whenever I move out. But then when my parents ask me questions like when you going to bring a girl home when you going to have a child etc. etc. what am I supposed to tell them then?
Thank you.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Dear Jacob

Thanks for your letter.  It sounds like you have done a lot of thinking about the ways coming out will impact your life and I applaud you for your courage and your ability to be honest with yourself.  It is completely normal for you to want to be open and explore your sexuality – and it is also completely understandable that you are concerned about the reaction of your family.  It is a big decision–and it is a decision that only you can make for yourself.  But you are not alone.  There are many people in situations similar to yours with the same thoughts and feelings, and just as many allies; people who hope you stay safe and healthy.

There is no roadmap to coming out since everyone’s situation is a little different.  It may be that there are more than the two possibilities you outlined (come out and lose family vs keep family but have an unfulfilled lovelife).  It is helpful to talk and share with others who have had to make similar choices, to help you navigate an alternative path or to weigh your options.  At TrevorSpace.org, you can chat with other young LGBTQ people and exchange thoughts and experience. I encourage you to take advantage of this.

If you decide to tell your family, there are some valuable resources available to you help you with coming out.  The Coming Out page run by the Human Rights Campaign is a comprehensive resource that may help you come up with constructive ways to talk about GLBT issues with your family. (http://www.hrc.org/resources/category/coming-out)

Another organization, PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), has some helpful information as well. On their website at www.pflag.org click on “Get Support” then click on “Family & Friends” where you’ll find pamphlets like “Our Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual People” and “Frequently Asked Questions about GLBT People.”

If you ever need to talk to someone, you can also call the Trevor Project Lifeline (866-488-7386), where there are counselors available to talk twenty-four hours a day/seven days a week, or talk to a counselor through TrevorChat, which you can access through our website, thetrevorproject.org.

I wish you all the best in your journey. And if you have any other questions, please feel free to contact us.

 

Trevor Staff

Correct Age: 19

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