Ask Trevor

We have transitioned Ask Trevor into a broader, more effective resource for LGBTQ young people and their allies.

Please check out our new FAQ page here: http://TrevorSupportCenter.org

Love or just plain lust?

Question:

Hi. I’m a 15 year old sophomore in high school and nowadays i’m just pretty much attracted to everyone. I’ve already come to terms with my bi-sexuality (even the the male-on-male side of me is very strict when it comes to stuff) but haven’t exactly came out yet. Problem one. I did have a crush on a boy recently but now i’m okay with my feelings for him. I thought that if I could be with him, maybe I could love him like all the girls before. But as I fell out of crushville, I discovered that maybe this all was just lust. Maybe my bi-sexuality is all lust. Problem number two. Last problem, I thought this transition would’ve been easy y’know? Like, all because i’m half gay dosen’t mean I can’t do the same things I used to but now… it’s just so… weird. Do I just need more time? Do I really feel like I can LOVE love a guy? Do I really think I can easily just come out? Help please.

Answer:

Hey ‘that1kid2u’,

First off let me say thanks for taking the time to email Ask Trevor. A lot of people keep their feelings and questions on the inside and it ends up complicating everything. We are more than happy to answer any of your life questions.

Having bisexual feelings is totally natural and there is nothing wrong with having these feelings. There is nothing wrong with having a crush on a guy. Having a crush on someone also does not mean that it is rooted in lust. The question that you have to ask yourself is do you like him solely for physical reasons? Or is there more? If there is more to why you have feelings toward him then it’s not lust. I don’t think that if you are attracted toward both sexes that this indicates that your bisexuality is all lust. It’s all based on how you view the person you have feelings toward. If you like this guy and want to express your feelings toward him then it’s okay to do that.

As for problem two, I have quite a bit of advice. Do you need more time? Possibly. Only you know. But what I can say is that when you are coming out you need to have friends and family who are there to support you. If you are planning on coming out then come out to those who know you best and the ones who you think won’t look at you any differently. It will make the process that much easier. My suggestion would be to take it slow. You are only 15 years old. You have so much of your life to come and if you feel as though you might not be ready, just wait. Can you really LOVE love a guy? Again this to me, is based on maturity. Do you have the maturity and the time commitment to put into a relationship what you need to? Can you put him first in your life? Ask yourself if you think that you can both commit yourself fully to a guy and be emotionally and mentally able to possibly get over a heartbreak because of him. If you are ready for both of those and prepare yourself, then I believe that you are ready to love. Love comes in many forms. In many depths. In many different ages. I don’t think you are too young to love a guy. It all depends on your personal maturity. And lastly, can you easily come out? Again, you have to take a look at the situation you are in right now. Do you have a lot of good friends who will support you no matter what? Do you have a family who will respond positively? Do you have ways of finding others who are gay, lesbian or bi-sexual who you can share things with? It’s hard to know exactly how friends or family will respond but there are always ways to test the water. Coming out is never easy. I will assure you of that. But when you do, you are finally free to be the person who you truly are. And I will also assure you that there is no greater feeling.

To be very honest, from the questions you asked, you are extremely mature. Not only are you questioning how you feel about others, you are also figuring out what true love really is. You are asking yourself all the right questions. I know this may sound cheesy but all the answers lie right in you. It just takes some time to sort them all out and have them come to the surface. Keep true to who you are and if you have feelings never be afraid to express them. Take your time. Figure out life. And get ready to love and be loved by that special someone. But most of all just be you.

Sincerely,
Trevor

p.s. “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” -Dr. Seuss