Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online question and answer resource for young people who have questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity.

On September 1st, Ask Trevor will be transitioning to become a broader more effective resource for LGBTQ young people and their allies. This means we will no longer be accepting incoming letters starting on Tuesday, September 2nd. However, if you send us a letter before September 2nd, you will receive a response. Please note that your wait time may be longer than usual. In the meantime, please continue to browse through our extensive library of previously answered letters, and stay tuned for what’s coming next!

If you are feeling suicidal, or need to talk to someone right away, please call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386. It’s available 24/7, 365 days a year. You can also chat with a Trevor counselor at Trvr.org/Chat from 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. PT / 3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. ET.

Please note: If you live outside of the United States and need to talk to someone, please seek help at the nearest emergency room or check out the following international hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

You are never alone. Thank you for reaching out to The Trevor Project for support!

My family is avoiding the subject

Question:

Hi,

A few months ago I decided to come out to my family. I had already cleared my mind about it and it wasn’t really that hard as I have always been attracted to girls but I also like boys and have stablished long-term relationships with one or two; I never thought it was actually necessary to “come out” to anybody but this last 2 years I have been in relationships with girls and I think that although it doesn’t define me it is an important thing in my life and something that makes me feel more like myself. Anyway, I think important things should be shared with family because they are supposed to be there to support you so one evening I decided to tell my mom I was bisexual, then at lunch I decided to tell the other members of my family but I don’t know if I didn’t make myself clear or what exactly happened because they are kind of ignoring it now, it’s not like I want drama or anything it’s just any time the theme comes up they just ignore it and i feel it’s like dirt that you hide under the bed or a mess you hide in the closet … I don’t know if I am making myself clear (haha)And I was thinking that maybe I was not clear at all, or maybe they just don’t want to know and christmas is coming and I have a large family so I was thinking maybe I can talk to all my family members there but I don’t know if it is a good decision, I don’t know if I can trust because my family is not only big but also very religious and I don’t know how they would react or react at all. So lately I am feeling very low and lonely, I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk this over with and that it is something I shouldn’t talk about. I thought maybe someone could help me find a way to come out without making a fuss but making my point. Being me is all that I have, I can’t hide it or change it and I want my family to acknowledge me for who I am… So… what should I do? Wait? Talk to them again?

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hey,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write us here at AskTrevor!  That’s what we are here for so please don’t hesitate to write us another question.  That’s what we love doing.

First of all, congratulations on taking a huge first step!  Coming out, whether you think it was very clear to your family or not, took an enormous amount of strength and confidence.  You should be proud of who you are and comfortable with who you are becoming no matter if you end up with a girl or a guy.  We applaud you on being brave and trying to let your family know that you are bisexual!

Your family, if they are very religious, will probably want to skirt around the subject of bisexuality.  The reason for this is that there is a conflict with what they believe is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ according to the Bible.  While some very religious parents respond with arguing, etc., it seems as though yours have decided to deal with the situation by just sweeping it under the rug.  While this may hurt for a little while because you want them to be proud of the entire you and be comfortable to ask you questions in support of you, you have to give them time in becoming comfortable with the news that you are bisexual.

Our best advice would be to wait and let your family adjust to your announcement (even if it seemed unclear) before talking to them again.  Time does wondrous things and by giving your family some more time for your sexuality to sink in, it will pave the road for an easier follow up talk.  When you feel as though you are ready or can’t wait any longer, that is going to be the time when you need to sit them down.  When you do so, tell them exactly how you feel.  Tell them that you feel as though they are ignoring the issue and not wanting to talk about it.  Tell them that you are nervous about coming out to them but that you can’t change or hide who you are any longer.  You’ve already taken a huge step by coming out and now you just have to wait for them to come around.  They most likely, haven’t had to deal with the same feelings that you do so they will struggle with connecting to how you are actually feeling.  Just give them time, as society’s attitude toward LGBT individuals is changing rapidly.  You however don’t have to worry about them not coming around to accepting you, they will in time.

If you feel a little disconnected and want to talk about others about your feelings, TrevorSpace might be something that you want to check out!  TrevorSpace is a social network that is LGBT friendly and bully-free.  Here you can connect with other LGBT individuals from around the world and talk to them about their situations dealing with coming out.  Others might have different and new ideas for you or advice on what does or doesn’t work.  Also, if you don’t want to sit your parents or family members down to have the ‘talk’ you can always bring the topic of LGBT up or casually have LGBT gear or emblems to show that you are proud without having to directly talk about your bisexuality.

No matter what you choose to do, you need to remember to always be you.  You said it best, ‘I can’t hide or change it,’ nor should you!  You are perfectly you.  There is no one else in this entire world like you and that should bring a smile to your face.  Only you can show off your colors and be an inspiration to those around you.  Never hide who you are.  Never change who you are.  Your family will soon enough acknowledge you for who you are, in time.  But you can’t control them right now, but you can keep being the beautiful you that you are!  No one can stop you doing that!  Please write us again if you have any more questions or need any more advice!

Live proud.  Live you.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is You-er than You.”

-Dr. Seuss

Sincerely,

Trevor Staff