Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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My parents are homophobic and I don’t know what I am anymore.

Question:

Well here’s the thing, I’m from mexico and I’m pretty confused, I’m a 16 year old guy and I like girls and boys, but I like boys a lot more than girls, but I’ve never had a crush on a boy but I do have had with girls. I used to consider myself bisexual, but I’m not sure anymore, I don’t know if I’m gay or bi.
But however, my parents are so homophobic, and one night we were having dinner, mi dad was a little drunk, and we were watching TV, suddenly it started glee, my favorite TV show and everybody know I’m a gleek and stuff, and my dad changed the channel and said that everybody there were faggots and lesbos, I ignored him, he always say stuff like that, but this time my brother, who is homophobic too, told my dad that I was gay, and my father started to yell at me, saying things like if I’m gay I would go to hell and stuff like that. He told me that when he was young he met a lot of gay people and then he asked me “what do you think I did to them?” And I said “I don’t know” and he reply “I won’t tell you, but I don know if they are still alive” and then I was like shocked, and he asked me if I was gay and I said no because I was scared to dead, then he asked me “are you sure? I don’t want that you come out after this, if you are gonna say something to me tell me say it now” and I said no again.
I don’t know what to do, I feel that if I come out they are gonna hate me and kick me out of the house, I’m pretty scared, I don’t wanna lose my family, I’ve told a friend about this and she told me that I should wait until I finish college, but I haven’t even started college, and I wanna study medicine and I don’t wanna wait a lot of time, but if it’s the best thing to do, I’ll do it.

Btw I wanna thank you a lot for listen to me and trying to help me :)

Ps. Sorry if my english isn’t so good, spanish it’s my first lenguage and english the second one.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Trevor Staff

Dear joorge96,

Well, first of all, your English is good so do not worry about that. Second of all, thank you so much for taking the brave step to contact us. It sounds like you’re in quite a difficult situation with your family, but you also seem to have a mature perspective and great inner strength.  These qualities will help you deal with your families attitude and how they conflict with your search for understanding about your sexuality.

Your safety is the most important. If you truly feel you are in danger of physical harm and/or being cast out, you may be wise to wait to tell your family until you live away from home. While attitudes toward gay people are changing around the world, there are some very strong prejudices that are hard to break, especially among older people. If you feel that you want to tell your family while you still live there then consider once again your safety. Practice some scenarios with your friend or in your head. What happens if you tell your father and things go bad or violent? What would you do? How would you protect yourself? Where would you go? If things go well then how will you react to that? You might want to consider telling them in a letter when you might be away for a certain amount of time and then ask to meet them in a public place. Depending on how they react in public, you can then do different things as well. It might be helpful to have a friend or even a few people with you when you do decide to tell your parents. Maybe another adult or two.

It’s also important to consider your emotional well being, starting with your own understanding and, hopefully, full acceptance of your sexuality. It’s tricky for anyone to make sense of his sexuality as a teenager, especially when there are attractions to both male and female. Everyone must take their own path toward self discovery on this front. It is most important to be honest with yourself and to not lie to yourself.  If your safety is still an issue then you might need to keep these thought away from those that might hurt you. Are there any other gay, bi, or questioning people in your community you can talk to and be open with? maybe just a trusted friend, teacher, or perhaps school counselor? (You can also try Googling the name of the place where you live along with “gay community center counseling” and this might bring up free or low cost counseling in your area.) It can be very helpful to have someone to share these thoughts with as you’re making sense of everything.

It sounds like your relationship with your family is important to you. You depend on your family for a place to live and for money. There also is the desire for approval from one’s parent that is such a natural part of growing up.

TrevorSpace is a like our facebook, where there are a lot of other people like you who are in similar situations and who have the same questions as you do. http://www.trevorspace.org .

Always feel free to call our Lifeline, anytime, day or night, at 866-488-7386, even if you just need someone to talk to.

If you prefer to IM, we also have TrevorChat on Mondays and Fridays: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/lifelinechat.

Just remember to always be aware of your safety while you are searching through different things. Maybe use a friend’s or your school’s computer.

 

We wish everything turns out for the best during this very hard time

Love,

Ask Trevor

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