Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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Your letters are very important to us and all letters will be reviewed and responded to in the near future.

Hope you are having a great summer!

My parents “will never get it.”

Question:

Hello.

So just over the last week I came out as bisexual to my parents. At first my mom was cool, and then she wasn’t, and my dad just doesn’t get it at all. Three days ago, my parents decided to bring me to my room and basically interrogate and yell at me. Asking me all the typical questions, (how do you know, how long have you known, ect.) They even went as far as asking me if I’ve had sexual interactions with a girl, as if that will declare that yes, I am bisexual. Anyway, they now think that I have a genetic problem/disorder and I am somehow more “masculin” now, even though I identify completely female. They want me to get counseling and be tested to see if there is something wrong with me. And if there is, “then they’ll accept me” because, “I can’t help it.” They wish to leave it all up to science to determine who I am. I have no idea what to do, I just want to be myself. I feel like an inconvenience in my own home.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hello,

Give yourself credit for writing to the Trevor Project. By your letter I can tell that you are a brave and smart girl with a good sense of yourself that you should be proud of. We care about you and you are not alone. Please do not hesitate to call the Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386. We are always here for you to talk about what you are going through.

Coming out is a big step in life. It is hard when the people that are supposed to care about you and love you unconditionally, like your parents question who you are and don’t accept you. Just because someone is unsupportive now, does not mean they will be unsupportive forever; sometimes it takes time. Being bisexual is completely natural and normal and you have the right to be yourself. What is most important is that you are safe. No one, even your parents have the right to bully you, abuse you, or make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Abuse comes in different forms. Please know that no one, including your family, EVER has the right to make you feel unsafe. When someone is being abused, it can make them feel very bad about themselves because they may think they’re causing or deserve the abuse but no matter what your family tells you, it’s not your fault that you are being treated this way. Sometimes, people scare or threaten the people they’re abusing so they won’t tell but it is vitally important that you talk with a trusted adult such as a relative, friend’s parent, doctor, teacher or school counselor about the abuse and that you or the trusted adult immediately call the Alaska Child Protective Services at 1-800-478-4444 or the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) in order to keep you safe. If at any time you feel unsafe, please try to get to a safe space such as a room in your house you can lock or by going to a friend, neighbor or relative’s house, call 911, or call the Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-Trevor. You are never an inconvenience.

Being bisexual is not a genetic problem or disorder. It is completely natural and normal. Gender identity is not the same as sexual identity and you can be bisexual and identify, as you said, as completely female. I commend you for your strength, bravery, and sense of self. If you feel safe and comfortable talking to your parents, they may have more questions about bisexuality.
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) is a great organization, made up mostly of parents, which supports LGBTQ people and works to help parents and others to become more supportive and accepting of their loved one’s sexual orientation. On their website at www.pflag.org click on “Get Support” then click on “For Family & Friends” where you’ll find the pamphlets “Our Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual People” and “Frequently Asked Questions about GLBT People,” which, if you’re comfortable, you can share with your family members/friends to help them become more understanding and accepting of you. PFLAG also runs support groups where parents and others can discuss questions and concerns they have about a loved one’s sexual orientation and where LGBT people can discuss issues they’re having with people in their life. On their website, you can search for a chapter near you. If no chapter is near you or if your family members/friends won’t attend, you could still contact the nearest chapter and get support and learn ways to help them become more understanding of you. There are no guarantees, but they may help.

Please do not forget that we are here for you and always care about you. You are not alone. Never hesitate to call us at 866-488-7386. Also, feel free to sign up for TrevorSpace at www.trevorspace.org. It’s the Trevor Project’s safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 their friends and allies. It’s a great supportive community where you can connect with others. Keep being strong.

All the best,
Trevor