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Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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My parents “will not tolerate” me

Question:

So my parents don’t accept me at all. I am not allowed to date anyone but girls according to them. I am openly gay at school and actually don’t get bullied at all. But I have a boyfriend and love him very much. Then my parents go and Google gay. They think its their fault and want to fix it. Well fixing it is not going into a screaming match everytime i mention gay or they start that on their own. Then they say I’m not gay I’m just confused ahhh so frustrating. One of my best friends is a girl and they want me to date her and when i say no they just start being annoying again. anyway i want them to accept me and stop their nonsense.

 

Answer:

 

Dear Dalton,

I have to say how awesome it is that you are out and proud. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and have some solid support from your friends at school and from your boyfriend. The courage it takes to come out to parents and stand up for yourself like you do is rare, so I hope you feel proud of that and of yourself.

The situation with your parents is a tough one, but you are not alone in this. It often takes parents awhile to come to terms with an LGBT child, and there are some things that might help with the process. Do you know of PFLAG? It stands for Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. PFLAG is an awesome organization that exists as a support for families dealing with what yours is right now. Since you’ve told your parents that you’re gay, maybe you can try to give them some resources from PFLAG so that they, too, know they are not alone.

This is a great publication that you could give to your parents:

http://community.pflag.org/document.doc?id=495

It’s called “Our Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Parents of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Youth and Adults.” The booklet, which can be read online or printed, is a good first step for parents. You mentioned they Googled “gay,” so it sounds like they’re trying to do a little homework, and hopefully they’ll be up for checking this out.

Another thing you could do once they’ve read that booklet is to suggest that you all go to a PFLAG chapter together. It looks like there are a couple within an hour and a half of you and you can check them out here: http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=803.

If that sounds like too much, you can guide them to the PFLAG site so they can research a bit on their own. This page is a good place to start:
http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=539. It sounds like you’re up for talking to them about these things, so let them know that you want to help them through this process.

I know this is hard, and I hope things get better very soon. Keep your head up and keep being proud of who you are. You can always get back in touch with us here at Trevor; we’ll be here for you.

With love and support,
Ask Trevor