Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

ATTENTION!
Before submitting a letter, please be aware that letters are experiencing a longer than normal wait period. If you are in immediate crisis, please call The Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386.
All calls are confidential and toll-free from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are not alone.

You can also access TrevorChat, our crisis chat service, at: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now available 7 days a week from 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. Pacific / 3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. Eastern.

Please note: If you reside outside the United States and you are currently in crisis or suicidal, you will not be able to access The Trevor Lifeline or TrevorChat. If you are outside of the U.S. and need to talk to someone immediately, please see the following link to international hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html. If you are suicidal, please seek help at the nearest emergency room.

Your letters are very important to us and all letters will be reviewed and responded to in the near future.

Hope you are having a great summer!

My parents won’t accept my sexuality, want me to get a girlfriend or else I would be disowned, and I’m not financially independent at all.

Question:

I recently sent a letter explaining my ‘situations’ against my immediate family and relatives. Long story short, they demand me to get a girlfriend, and will disown me if i keep on being gay. (please don’t say that they will change because I know they wont, especially with the extra pressure from my many, many relatives. Some of them are hardcore reverends or even priests.)

I am 21, and still have 2 years left in my degree. I will probably be completely financially independent in 5-6 years. I don’t know what to do for the time being. I don’t want to really date girls because I dont wanna hurt their feelings by lying to them, but I cant handle my demanding parents.

Also, I dont know how will I end terms with my parents. I know I will feel guilty and ungrateful towards them, but I know I cant throw my life away just for them.

Answer:

I just want to say that it is very courageous of you to reach out for help during this stressful time in your life. Coming out when you are financially dependent on your parents and believing that they would disown you is very difficult to deal with, especially when you feel pressured to date someone that you don’t want or have no interest in dating. The added pressure of having relatives with strong religious beliefs that may not match your own is also stressful, but I want you to know that we are here for you in any way that we can be.

Discussing your sexuality with your family may not be an easy thing to do, but the most importing thing to remember is that you shouldn’t feel pressured or obligated to do it until you are ready. Being dependent on your parents for housing, food, and clothing is very normal and we want you to feel safe and secure. Don’t feel forced to do anything that would make you uncomfortable or unsafe. Is there anyone that you can talk to about what you are going through in person, such as a friend, counselor at your university, or a trusted family member that won’t pass judgment? Talking to a person you trust may help relieve some of the stress that you are feeling and make things easier to think about.

Amplify your voice has a great brochure about questions you should consider before coming out to your parents, http://amplifyyourvoice.org/youthresource/youthresource-comingout, if you have the time, check it out. Also, if you want to chat with someone online, The Trevor Project hosts Trevor Chat during the week, check the web site http://www.thetrevorproject.org/chat for the times and be sure to cross reference that with your time zone. You are a very special person, and we want you to be happy and safe. Please feel free to keep writing to Ask Trevor, we want to help in any way that we can.

Best Wishes and Big Hugs

Trevor Staff