Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

If you are in immediate crisis, please call The Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386. All calls are confidential and toll-free from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are not alone.

You can also access TrevorChat, our crisis chat service, at: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now available 7 days a week from 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. Pacific / 3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. Eastern.

Your letters are very important to us and all letters will be reviewed and responded to in the near future.

Please note: If you reside outside the United States and you are currently in crisis or suicidal, you will not be able to access The Trevor Lifeline or TrevorChat. If you are outside of the U.S. and need to talk to someone immediately, please see the following link to hotlines outside the United States: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html. If you are suicidal, please seek help at the nearest emergency room.

Parents don’t accept me

Question:

Hello I recently came out to my parents that I like girls they keep telling me that they wont allow me to date a girl in my house. They are really upset and they wont even pay attention to me. My mom is a church leader and she keeps saying I’ll go to hell or the holly spirit tells her that I will be killed one day and not be saved. Im just so done with my parents what do I do.

 

Answer:

 

Dear Jessica,

First off, you should be so proud of yourself for standing up for who you are at such a young age! It takes great strength to come out, and for you to do so to your parents – knowing their beliefs – says a lot about who you are. You made a major step, don’t let this slow you down.

I understand that your parents’, in particular your mother’s, feelings about your sexuality are interfering with their display of care and love for you, I’m sure it feels hurtful to hear the things she’s said. Your parents might be on the road to acceptance. Based on the strength you’ve found already, you’re not going to give them any choice but to love you. Know that this road could be long, Jessica, but you can help them!

There are many, many resources available to you with the help and wisdom of some many other people who have dealt with exactly the same comments and even the same situation of having a church-leading parent. In fact, there are many organizations and faiths out there who preach their beliefs and equal love for LGBT members of the community. You can find many of those groups’ websites for more information here: http://hirr.hartsem.edu/research/homosexuality_religion.html#gay affirming. You may also find interest in http://www.welcomingresources.org/, which provides a whole site full of information about everything from Coming Out in the church, helping families. Finally, you’ll find great comfort in the support resources of PFLAG (http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=535), or the community of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Within these resources, you’ll find great ways to help your parents – however slowly – come to accept who you are and who you love.

Your own patience coupled with love from your friends, classmates and of course maybe even a girlfriend, will all help you down this road as your parents learn to accept what God has given them: a perfectly normal lesbian daughter. We’re always here for you, too. You may find comfort in meeting other people on TrevorSpace (trevorspace.org) who are fighting or have fought through the same parental issues you are right now. There’s also TrevorChat and of course, the Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386.

Best,
Ask Trevor