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Letter submitted by: Anonymous
The last few weeks I have really been questioning my sexuality. I have a fiancé, and he’s the greatest guy in the world, and I love him a lot. But before I met him, I had really strong feelings for a friend – well, somebody I used to be friends with.
They were and still are very strong feelings for her. They’re mostly sexual feelings, but I could see myself in a relationship with her. The thing with her is that we tried to have a relationship and it really didn’t work. I’m not really sure as to why. I don’t think she wanted to lose our friendship, but this is what happened anyway. The reason it ended is because she told me she couldn’t do it, and I was having a bad day and said some things that I should not have said.
Now she’s in one of my classes for college and I would really like to talk to her and get things worked out cause I miss her as a friend, but I have absolutely no idea what to do. At the same time I have no idea what to do about the feelings I’m having. It’s not just for this friend I have feelings for either; it’s for girls I find attractive in general.
I’ve already sort of dabbled with the idea of telling my mom, and I already know she would have a hard time accepting it. I just feel stuck, and I have no idea what to do. I have no idea how my sisters and much less my fiancé would take any of it, and it really scares me to think that I could lose any of them due to this.
First let me say that you’re very brave to open up and share what you’re going through with us. It sounds like you’re having questions about your sexual orientation, and it might help to know that questioning your sexual identity is very natural and something that many, many people question. Some people are sure of their sexual orientation as children, others as teens, while others continue to question this as adults. In addition, your attraction to your friend seems to be causing you a lot of different feelings. I’m so glad that you wrote to Ask Trevor for help and support with everything you’re feeling and going through.
I think it’s great that you are learning more about your own sexuality, and the things you value in another person you might consider as a partner. As you learn more about how you feel, you will decide on a label that you feel comfortable with. Or you may not want any label. Either way, it’s your choice, and one that may change with time.
In trying to understand your sexuality, it might help to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic, as well as physical feelings and attraction to people of both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian and gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It can also help to think about whom you have crushes on and who you fantasize about dating: girls, boys or both.
On http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177 , you’ll find the brochure, “I Think I Might Be Lesbian…Now What Do I Do?”, which may help you with your questions about your sexuality.
On www.bisexual.org, you’ll find a lot of helpful information on bisexuality. If you click on “Resources,” then “Bisexuality – General Information,” then “Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG,” you can find information that may help.
On http://www.transyouth.com/I%20think%20I%20may%20transgender.pdf, you’ll find the brochure, “I Think I Might Be Transgender…Now What Do I Do?”
PFLAG’s (Parents, Families & Friends Of Lesbians & Gays) “Be Yourself: Questions for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth” at http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf can be of further help as you try to understand your sexual orientation/gender identity. Remember that there’s no rush to figure this out.
There are many resources available that could help you talk about your feelings with your family and your fiancé. One of the best is Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). This is a great organization, made up of mostly parents, that promotes the health and well-being of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender persons, their families and friends through support, education and advocacy. If you go to PFLAG’s Web site (http://www.pflag.org), and click on the “Gay, Lesbian & Bi” tab at the top, it will provide you with links to support for coming out. One of the links is about coming out to family, friends and allies. This could be really helpful information to you, especially as you learn more about your sexuality and want to share it with the people you care about.
One thing that might help you is to talk about your concerns with someone you trust. Maybe you know someone with whom you could talk about your feelings and the process of coming out to friends, your fears, and how they feel you should proceed. Talking about it with someone you trust could help you understand what you want to do and how you want to do it.
Many people have trouble expressing their true feelings verbally because they’re afraid their words might not be enough. Maybe you could try writing a letter or e-mail to your fiancé. Put down all of your feelings in writing. That way, he can take his own time to read what you have written and respond in a way that’s right for him.
If he is a good friend and truly loves you, then he will respond to you in a way that won’t hurt you. Although his response may not be what you want to hear, hopefully there will be a strong enough bond to continue your friendship in a healthy way.
No matter what happens, you can always contact the Trevor Project here through Ask Trevor. We also have Trevorchat, which is a forum in which you can chat with trained volunteers about anything that’s troubling you. And the Trevor Lifeline, which you can reach by calling 1-866-488-7386, operates 24 hours a day, seven days a week in the United States. There will always be someone there to help you talk more about the questions you have about your sexuality, as well as your feelings for your friend.
The Trevor Project also has an online social network at http://www.trevorspace.org. It’s an online community where lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning (LGBTQ) and straight youth ages 13 to 24 can talk with each other, provide support, and find resources in their communities.
I hope this information has been helpful, and I hope it works out for the best. Please contact the Trevor Project with any other questions, or just to let us know how everything goes.