Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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Hope you are having a great summer!

possibly pansexual?


So I came to the conclusion after prayer and self searching that I’m not as gay as I thought because I can be around shirtless/pantless guys and yet not be aroused.

Still the thought of being with a guy is somewhat nice to me, as well as a girl. Maybe I’m pansexual, and don’t feel comfortable with having sex other than someone I love? Because seeing people almost naked (both genders) does nothing for me.

I’m tired of being confused and could really use help in trying to figure this out. Thank you!

Letter submitted by: Jake


Dear Jake,

Thank you for contacting us – we’re glad that you decided to reach out to help answer your question. Being confused isn’t fun, but it is normal. In fact, almost everyone has these kinds of feelings and questions, and we all go through this process on our own timeframe and at our own pace.

When contemplating one’s sexuality, it’s important to remember two things: first, that sexuality is defined by more than just physical attraction. It’s a combination of emotional, physical, sexual, and romantic feelings. Second, sexuality is a spectrum, meaning it’s not black or white, and the vast majority of people fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum.

Based on what you’ve shared, it sounds like you have attractions to both genders, and that you might be bisexual or perhaps pansexual. The definitions of pansexual and bisexual actually overlap somewhat. The basic difference between pansexual and bisexual is that bisexual people are attracted to both men and women while pansexual people don’t consider gender at all in their attraction, and so they include other individuals such as transsexuals, intersex people, and those who don’t identify with either gender. We all are aroused by different things, and it’s very possible that, as you suggest, you are only attracted physically to people that you love regardless of one’s gender, which might mean you are pansexual. Finally, please know that you don’t actually have to choose one label or another if you don’t want to. This terminology only exists to help us understand ourselves and share that in a way that others will understand easily. And since there are many variations of sexuality, you may or may not find that one label suits you more than another. But the bottom line is that it’s your decision and that no matter what you decide, your identity is beautiful and you deserve support, love, and appreciation! If you are curious and would like to learn more, you can find more information on bisexuality at http://www.bisexual.org.

Perhaps you might want to find a close friend or loved one to discuss this with? Or if you don’t feel comfortable with that, please feel free to reach out to us again. Also, you can always reach us by phone on The Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR, and online via TrevorChat.


Trevor Staff