Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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Problems with sexuality

Question:

Okay, so I’m 14 and have so many mixed feelings. I’m not sure what I am. This had been going on for quite a while. I always thought I was straight. But now I’m not so sure. Is it even possible to like both genders?

When I was younger my parents would always say don’t date boys. Focus on school and all that Poop. And I did.. Sometimes. Until they found out I had a boyfriend. I lowered their trust . Which is why I stayed away from boys for a while (and kinda do now). they were strict.

After that I mostly only hung out with girls most of the time. Which I think led me to have some kind of feelings for them. Now everytime I see a really pretty/hot girl I have butterflies. I even have huge girl crushes all the time. I have to admit a little more than boys (but I just got over this guy). Recently, I noticed I think I have a crush on one of my best friends. I don’t know how to handle these feelings. I’m afraid of it because I don’t know what to do. I guess I could say that im a little insecure. If society will judge me and they probably will. Which is why im so scared of these feelings.

However I still like boys. I always did. Physically and emotionally. But with girls I like them emotionally. But I do think that I could like them in a physical way, possibly.

Basically I have so many feelings and so many possibilities I dont know anymore. I want to know what I am. And if I am L, S, or even bisexual. I dont know if I can be accepted or not, or if ill be judged. I don’t want to ruin my self esteem or my friendships and family acceptance. Help?

(I also have noone else close to me to vent to and get help from. im too afraid and ugh)

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hi Shay,

Thanks so much for writing to us. It can be super scary to have all of these feelings and not know what to do with them or who to turn to with them. I just want to let you know that you took such a courageous step by reaching out for support. It sounds like you’re feeling a ton of different things, and are having a tough time parsing them out. It sounds like you have physical and emotional feelings for both boys and girls, and are really scared of being rejected by friends and family if you were to identify other than straight. Is that right? You must be feeling really overwhelmed! Know that you are not alone with this struggle; there are so many other young people who are going through similar experiences.

First, know that if you do have feelings for both genders, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. What you are experiencing and feeling is completely normal and natural. Your sexual orientation, or who you are attracted to includes physical, emotional, mental, and even spiritual! Something that may be helpful to do if you’re looking for some clarity is to think about who you have crushes on, and whether these crushes are boys, girls, or both. If you’re interested in exploring or learning more about bisexuality, there’s a great website I’d like to share with you that may answer some of your questions: www.bisexuality.org. When you get to the website, click “resources,” and you should find a Bisexuality 101.

In terms of telling friends and family, I hear how scared and nervous that must make you feel. But know that there is NO time table as to when you should tell someone. You do not need to tell anyone if you are not ready, or feel safe or comfortable. Remember, coming out is on your time table. Although coming out can feel freeing, it can also be nerve-wracking and scary if we think someone we care about won’t accept us for who we are. Is there someone in your life like a teacher, close friend, cousin, or even mentor that you trust and feel safe sharing this with them? Remember, there is no rush, just as long as you feel SAFE and COMFORTABLE.

Please stay in touch with the Trevor Team if you have any more questions that we may help answer. Remember, you are always loved.

Trevor Staff