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I hate sounding like some boohoo teenager that can’t just deal with the fact that life sucks a majority of the time. I’m out to my mom, just FYI, she told me not to tell the rest of the family. Of course she doesn’t agree, even though she’s not the sharpest Christian in the bible. I have strong resentment towards my mother and my whole family -actually. The rest of the world knows I’m a raging homosexual, but my family acts like it’s not true. It’s bs. She beileves homosexuality is a choice and I’m going to burn in hell. (at least hell has good wifi). Anyways, I guess my first question is how to show somehow that this is a part of who I am. She blames it on the fact that I was molested as a child, which I blamed her for (sadly) since she and my father was never there. Ever. I’ve been extremely depressed for majority of my self, which I know sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s true. When I’m with my friends I’m so happy and full of joy. As soon as I step through the front door of my “home” I just want to die. I’m scared. These past couple of months the littlest things would set me off. I will go into a all out tantrum over NOTHING. If I get just a little upset versions of me cutting my wrist appear. (I use to cut horribly in 6th grade, but haven’t done it since I got caught) versions of my hanging myself in a tree, or crashing my car just to fucking end it. Although, I think committing sluiced is the most selfish and messed up thing someone could do. Is this something I should still worry about? I don’t tell anyone, I know they will believe its for attention. And what if it is? Heck I dont know what’s going on in my brain half the time. I’m just so pissed off at the world I can’t even see straight. I don’t have a room to lay my head at night, my mom is a slut that sleeps with diffrent men everynight (yeah I don’t know how the hell she judges me). I know these aren’t excuses -I hate excuses, but I’m trying to get you into my mind set. I seriously haven’t left bed all day, please help me. Everyone is this town is depressed as I am.
You do not sound like anything other than one who has the courage to reach out and share their story. You should be proud of yourself for being proactive. Things can be pretty tough when your family is not accepting much less understanding of where you are. We all know that it is not a choice or a lifestyle and if religion is important to you, there are many LGBT affirming churches.
Please know that if you were no longer here, the world would be a much, much emptier place and that the people in your life, would truly miss you. If you ever have thoughts of killing yourself, it’s very important for your safety that you immediately tell a trusted adult such as a parent, friend’s parent, relative, teacher, school counselor or doctor about your thoughts of suicide order to keep you safe. If you ever feel you’re going to act again on those thoughts, immediately call 911 or get to your nearest hospital emergency room.
If there’s no one you feel comfortable talking with or would like more support, you could call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor, 24 hours 7 days a week. Our caring, understanding and supportive counselors are here to talk with you about everything you’re feeling and going through and want to do whatever is needed to keep you safe.
The role that being molested had on your development is uncertain. Regardless, it is not your fault and no one deserves to be treated that way. You do deserve additional support and the Rape, Abuse, and Incest Nation Network (RAINN) is a good place to start. You can find them here: http://www.rainn.org/ .
Depression can be incredibly inhibiting in many different ways. When you’re depressed, it can be very painful to feel, can make you isolate yourself from friends and family, cause you to be tired all the time and take away your motivation to do things, make you not enjoy the things you usually like to do, make you sleep much less or much more than usual, cause you to eat much less or more than usual and make you see everything in your life in a negative way. Sometimes the depression can get so bad it can make a person think of ending their life. People sometimes think about ending their life when they’re feeling very depressed, feel hopeless that things will get better, and helpless to make things better in their life.
On www.us.reachout.com you’ll find facts about depression by clicking on “struggles with feelings.” It’s important to know that there is treatment for depression and ways to deal with suicidal thoughts including therapy and/or medication. It can help to talk with a mental health professional, such as a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist about what you’re feeling and going through including your suicidal thoughts, history of cutting, what happened before, and the conflict with your famil in order to help you to feel better and to help you see choices and options you may not be aware that you have. You could ask a trusted adult for help in finding someone to talk and work with. On www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm and http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/teen-depression you can learn more about depression and its treatment.
It sounds like you have not been cutting yourself anymore, but if it does come up you could call 1-800-DON’T-CUT where you can be referred to a therapist in your area. When you have the urge to cut, you can always call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor (1-866-488-7386) and talk with a Trevor lifeline counselor about what you’re feeling and experiencing as well as your urge to cut which can help to delay or stop the urge to cut. They can also work with you to find a therapist to help you.
As you go through this difficult time, it can be helpful and would be important to get the support you need. You could join TrevorSpace at www.trevorspace.org the Trevor Project’s safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning) young people ages 13 to 24 their friends and straight allies. It’s a great supportive community, where you can connect and chat with young people all over, get support and learn what’s helped others dealing with similar issues. TrevorSpace also has a discussion forum called Support and Advice where you can post questions and discuss what you’re going through with thousands of other LGBTQ young people on http://www.trevorspace.org/forum/cat.php?id=9&sort=.
It’s sad that your mom isn’t able to appreciate the incredible person that you are, someone who is comfortable and confident with herself to be open with who she is.
Please continue to reach out for help and support and to fight for you because you’re definitely worth fighting for. Remember that you can always find support from other young people on TrevorSpace, write to us on Ask Trevor, or call the Trevor Lifeline 24 hours, 7 days a week. Our counselors answer many calls from young people who are experiencing depression, have attempted suicide are dealing with parents who are having difficulty being supportive of their child’s sexual orientation, and many other really challenging issues. Please know that you don’t have to go through this alone as we’re always here for you at The Trevor Project.