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Questioning my sexuality but scared

Question:

Hello,

I have been I guess you could say bi-curious since I was 16 years old. I starting noticing then that I was having sexual feelings towards a few different women. I was raised however that to be that would be a monstrous thing and had my family members say things such as “If we had a gay in our family they would no longer be considered family.” My uncle who I live with and due to my health is the way I can afford to live is the worst at this. He despises the LGBT community and considers them freaks. I have tried a couple times in the last three years to have a sexual relationship with a certain friend who loves me very much. I love her and trust her to be my first lesbian experience. I am attracted to her but when it comes to anything other than kissing I freak out with the sound of my uncle and family in my head and the threat that if it was ever found out I would be homeless and without a family.

I personally have no problem with people being gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, trans, etc. I find and treat those people just as I would anyone else. With love and respect. I think all of it’s normal.

I guess I wonder if it’s that I am just too scared because of that risk, or if my mind might be making that excuse in my head because deep down I am not Bisexual? I just…have always wondered if I was since there are many women I have known I have been very attracted to. I have always talked my way out of it. Too scared to really do anything. It’s so…confusing. Any advice would help greatly!

Thank You!

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hello,

 

We’re so glad that you reached out to Ask Trevor with your questions and we also want to commend you for your courage in writing to us. Having some confusion about your sexual orientation and trying to decide whether or not to let your family know can be tricky and scary, so we’re glad that you are asking for guidance and support as you go through this process.

We can’t tell you whether you are bisexual or not. In trying to understand your sexuality, it might be helpful to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional and romantic feelings as well as physical attraction. You may want to think about who you have crushes on and who you fantasize about. A good resource to look into is: http://www.bisexual.org. If you click on resources, then bisexuality-general information, then “Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG” you can find information that may help. While you are struggling with this, it’s important that you find someone who makes you feel comfortable, understood, and supported. We encourage you to talk about the questions you’re having with someone that you trust, like a friend, teacher, or school counselor.

You also mentioned some concern that if your family believed that you were bisexual that they would kick you out of the house.  We can’t tell you what you should do, but there are many things you may want to consider before revealing your sexual orientation to your family.  What is it like to keep this part of you a secret from your family? Are you concerned about your physical safety if you were to tell them? Are you concerned about your emotional well-being if you tell your family? Are you concerned about continuing to get financial support from them if you tell them how you are feeling? Sometimes people wait until they are able to live away from home before coming out to their families about their sexual orientation. If you decide to let them know now, that is fine, but it is also okay to wait until later in life, when you are able to be more financially independent and have been able to establish financial and social support elsewhere. What is most important is that you stay safe and that you are comfortable with who you are. The thoughts and feelings you are having are completely normal, as is some of the confusion you are experiencing about what to do.

 

Whether you decide you want to talk with your family about how you are feeling or not, there are many resources available to you. You may find the Human Rights Campaign resources for coming out helpful: http://www.hrc.org/files/documents/ComingOut_ResourceGuide.pdf.  Additionally, if your family has questions, PFLAG is a really great resource: www. Pflag.org. Finally, remember that the Trevor Project is always here for you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Feel free to write again, log on to TrevorChat, or call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386 if you need any more advice or want to talk. We are here for you!

 

The Trevor Project

 

Trevor Staff