Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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sad, scared

Question:

I’ve known that i wasn’t straight since elementary school. I’ve faked crushes on boys through elementary school and middle school, and pretty much got sick of that by high school, so i stopped. By then, I’d heard of being homosexual, bisexual, and pansexual, but none of those fit me. I joined my high school’s gsa, and did day of silence as an ally, but i graduated high school not knowing my sexual orientation. I started experimenting in college and realized after i got a crush on someone (opposite sex), that while i liked this person, i didn’t experience sexual attraction, even though i have a sex drive. After another half year (sophomore year of college), i found out about asexuality, which fits me. So i identify as asexual. So here is my problem: other people accepting me. I came out to the one friend who knew that i was struggling with my identity and she was supportive. But, i found out that other people don’t think my orientation exists, that people who are asexual are either sick or lying. I created a tumblr to connect with the asexual community there and found out that people think that we’re just trying to be special. I feel really hurt and sad now and I’m scared to come out to my family and any other close friends. I’ve actually been asked more than once if I’m straight and i either dodged the question or lied and said yes (i think i might be bi romantic). I’m scared to date because I’m scared about coming out, which I’d have to do if i got into a relationship. I’m even scared about joining my college’s gsa because I’ve been hearing negative things about asexuals from the lgbt community. So, I’m really sad, scared, and hurt and i don’t know how to deal with it.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hey! I want to thank you for reaching out to us here at Trevor. This is just the place to start as far as gaining some support and understanding regarding your issues. I am here to let you know that I am so familiar with just this dilema. I hope that I can offer you some guidance that you are seeking. You are a very brave person to have stayed on the path to where you are comfortable with you. Isn’t that what we all ultimately are looking for anyway? Self identification can be confusing, frustrating, and scary. Trying to “fit in” a particular category can be tough. It can sometimes feel like your trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. We just all want to fit in somewhere. But the “lables” can also be limiting. When we don’t force ourselves into one of those lables and just “be” only then can we say, “I’m free”! I know when I was growing up and after I came out I said that I was neither homosexual or heterosexual. I’m just sexual. It sounds as if that may be your case as well. But I am not here to put words in your mouth. I am here to empathize and hopefully guide you to a less frustrating state so you can more thoroughly enjoy life. You are on the right path!

I’m going to offer you some choices in where to find support. Your happiness is what matters at this point. I felt some reservations you have about how you identify yourself. With that being said it is not uncommon for your aquantences to also feel confused as to how to accept the real you. Being asexual is not a “problem” or an “illness”. I commend you for having the healthy personal boundaries you have regarding who you are with sexually. When a person doesn’t feel complete it is hard to give a part of yourself away without losing yourself. The gsa really can be beneficial to you. Even with the things that are being said about your affiliation with a gsa could be processed differently by changing your percpective. Maybe turning the negative comments into a positive experience could help. It could prepare you for what the “real world” often says about gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders. People always put down what they do not understand. It is their lack of understanding of the the situation that causes bigotry, judgement, and even hate. It’s sad but we members of the LGBTQ community seem to have to develope thicker skins than most other people. Straight advocates experience this negative feedback as well. In trying to understand your sexuality, it might help to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic as well as physical feelings and attraction for people of both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian and gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It can also help to think about whom you have crushes on and who you fantasize about being with girls, boys or both. On http://www.bisexual.org you’ll find a lot of helpful information on bisexuality. If you click on resources, then bisexuality-general information, then “Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG” you can find information that may help. On http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=726&Itemid=336 you’ll find the brochure “I Think I Might Be Gay…Now What Do I Do?” You may find it helpful to try TrevorSpace which is a safe social networking site for LGBTQ and straight youth ages 13-24. There, you have a chance to voice exactly your issues in a safe environment. You may actually realize that you are not alone in this struggle. That is the most important thing I want you to know above everything else……You are NEVER alone! If you feel the need please remember we are a phone call away by dialing 866-4-U-TREVOR. We are always available to take your call. I am not here to define you at all as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender. In your heart is where you will eventually find that answer.

Again, I admire your inner strength and bravery for your commitment to search for the answers you seek. You are not just settling for a category to make yourself fit in comfortably. You are a person first and always! That is truly the only true identity one has to accept. We are all members of one human family. The Trevor project is here to help you in that journey. Once one can accept themself as a person, just a living and loving human being the sky’s the limit! The person you choose to be with is just the same… a human being. The gender is less relevant. Love the one your with as the song goes. Remember, you are never ever alone. Keep reaching out for support and understanding. It will provide the banister to hold onto as you take the steps towards self acceptance and ultimate freedom! You are loved! It has been my honor and pleasure to have been a part of your journey! Keep reaching for the stars my friend!

Best regards,

Trevor Staff