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Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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Serious Confusion

Question:

I’ve had relationships with two different boys in my entire life – neither of which were serious. Both relationships lasted only until we kissed, and both times I felt absolutely nothing…actually, almost discomfort. Lately, I’ve been seriously questioning my sexuality. I feel extremely sexually attracted to girls, and I think I would have a better emotional relationship with a girl than with a boy. I even have dreams about being with girls, and I find myself straining to lie and agree with someone that points out a guy and says “Isn’t he hot?!” I have a blog, and I follow other people that post “girl on girl” pictures, and I find myself longing for that. This whole thing is confusing me so much that I’ve been thrown into depression. I see a therapist and I trust and like her very much, but I haven’t told her that I feel this way because she’s much older and I’m afraid that she won’t like what I say. I don’t even have anyone else to turn to. My dad has a cousin that is gay, and when he found out, both my mom and dad said that if I ever told them that I like girls, they would kick me out of the house and “disown” me. I don’t have any aunts or uncles to talk to either because they’re all so against being gay. I have a teacher from previous years that I absolutely love, she’s like a mother to me and we’re very close, but I’m afraid she would stop talking to me and stop giving me the love and support that she has over the years. I really want to talk to someone about it, but at the same time, I can’t fathom the idea of anyone finding out because I know what the consequences could be. What should I do?

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

 

Dear Anonymous,

Questioning your sexuality is very natural, and being LGBT is normal and natrual as well. When you do question your sexuality, it might help to remember that sexual orientation includes romantic, emotional and also physical feelings and attraction for people of both genders (bisexual), people who are the same gender (lesbian and gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). You have already taken a big step in determining your sexuality by already having relationships with boys, and romantically, as well as physically, you feel nothing. There is a great resource to read about questioning your sexuality.

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.phpoption=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177 has a great brochure “I Think I Might Be Lesbian…Now What Do I Do?” that I believe will help you in discovering more about your sexuality. If you do have anymore questions, please don’t hesitate in contacting us! We have an incredible network of supporting people who are in the same position as you called Trevorspace. It is our online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13-24, as well as for their friends and allies.

I can only imagine how hard it is to accept your sexuality when you are still in the process of questioning it. When you have these feelings for quite awhile, they take a toll on your body, physically and emotionally. When you are depressed, you can experience emotional pain that can be intense at times. Depression can also make you tired all the time, and take away your motivation that you used to have for the things you loved participating in. More importantly, depression causes a person to view everything in their life in a negative way, sometimes to the point of a person wanting to end their life. On http://www.us.reachout.com, you can read about the symptoms of depression and available treatment options. If you ever feel like you are experiencing extreme sadness or feelings of hopelessness, PLEASE call us at the trevor lifeline: 1-866-4-U-TREVOR. You can call us 24/7, even in the middle of the night! We want to be here for you in your time of need, and remember: you are never alone in this. We understand your feelings and your frustrations during this time in your life.

I am so glad that you are speaking to a therapist about your feelings. But please, don’t be afraid of what she will say or think of you. Therapists are there to help you. They have been specially trained for years to give you the best help possible. If you still feel uncomfortable telling your therapist about your questions about your sexuality, you can contact the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists by calling 215-222-2800, or you can visit their website at http://aglp.memberclicks.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=14&Itemid=74 where you can help find someone in your area to talk to. I can only imagine the anxiety you feel when you think about telling your beloved teacher and mother figure about your questions about your own sexuality. Before you tell her, ask yourself some questions: are you worried that if you told her, you would be unsafe physically or emotionally? If you did tell her, are you concerned that she might tell your parents? What is most important to us is that you are comfortable and safe in whatever you choose to do. If you ever have trouble or need a boost of courage in your decision, please don’t hesitate to call us at the Trevor Lifeline.

There is a great quote by Mark Twain: “The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself”. We know how you feel on the inside, and we hope that you will use the resources we provided for you to help make your life better. Please know that we are always with you throughout this. We are continually amazed by the courage shown through individual’s letters, especially yours.

 

Sincerely,

Trevor Staff