Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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Hope you are having a great summer!

So confused….please help

Question:

Hi,

Okay so this whole sexuality confusion thing has been driving me absolutely insane!! Here’s my situation: I started to kind of question my sexual orientation during sophomore year, but I wasn’t sure what it was. Sophomore year summer I met this girl and I really really liked her. One day she randomly asked me if I were straight and i kinda just changed the topic, but a few days later she just casually mentioned that she’s bi. So during that summer camp we were very physically intimate and everything, but we never kissed. But the point is she was the first and only “proof/evidence” that I am/was sexually attracted to girls (I’m a girl). So now that I’m a junior, I’m questioning my sexual orientation SO MUCH because I really can’t figure it out. I’ve been really into this girl at my school, I think she’s extremely beautiful, but somehow I just don’t feel any sexual attraction towards her and for that matter all the other pretty girls. I kind of get nervous and stuff but I just can’t really imagine myself doing anything with them beyond maybe kissing. Maybe this is because I dont know this girl like I did with the one over the summer, but I feel like the fact that I’m not sexually turned on by any girl anymore makes things really confusing. Sorry this is getting really long..
okay to make things worse, ever since I realized this, I tried to picture myself with both genders. Whereas i can totally picture myself dating, kissing, cuddling with a girl, i can’t picture having sex with them…why is that?????
I’d say that I’ve liked a couple boys from first to third grade, and I definitely remember actually waiting for a boy to text me back or turning around to peek at him during class and stuff. was that just me as a child being ignorant or was that actually attraction towards boys? but since I’ve never actually kissed neither a boy or a girl, i’m not sure if I have enough authority in telling myself who I am. but that doesn’t make sense because straight people don’t need a kiss a boy before they know that they are straight..
One final fact about me is that I’ve never liked skirts or anything like, I hate when my girl friends drag me to shopping, but I can shop the men sections online for hours…..
but when i see extremely beautiful girls in my grade all dressed up really pretty and stuff, sometimes i wish i could be like them

i’m so sorry, you’re probably just as confused as I am now…please don’t judge me I know i sound like a crazy person
please know that I sincerely appreciate your help and hopefully you could offer me any kind of answer to my problem

THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer:

Dear Confused,

First of all, I want to commend you for writing into AskTrevor. I know sexuality can be scary and confusing, but you’ve come to the right place. I want you to know that questioning your sexual orientation is not only normal, but natural too. I see that you have been open to the possibility of not being straight, and it’s great that you are willing to explore this part of yourself. I understand how confusing it must be for you to feel at least mentally/emotionally attracted to other women, but not necessarily physically attracted. That’s ok. Sometimes, being so nervous about our orientation or liking a crush can put our physical attraction on the back burner. Feeling overwhelmed can keep your brain from even contemplating being physical with someone else.

I don’t want you to feel that you have to label your sexual identity because that is all it is, a label. It’s possible that you will some day only be attracted to girls, but it is just as possible that the girl you liked over the summer is the only girl you’ll ever like. You may also be somewhere in between. My biggest piece of advice is to not worry about giving yourself a label. Feel free to explore! If you like a boy, go for it. If you like a girl, go for it! Confining yourself to one box of sexuality may just end up making you feel more conflicted. Are you still friends with the girl from the summer? She seems like someone who is very comfortable with their sexuality, and she could possibly be a great person for you to talk to.

If you’d rather not talk to her about it, the internet has some great resources for people questioning their sexuality. On http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177 you’ll find a brochure called, “I Think I Might Be Lesbian…Now What Do I Do? This may answer some of your sexuality questions. On http://www.bisexual.org you’ll find a lot of helpful information on bisexuality. If you click on resources, then bisexuality-general information, then “Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG” you can find information that may help. Lastly, I highly suggest checking out TrevorSpace at www.trevorspace.org. It’s the Trevor Project’s safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 their friends and allies. It’s a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about your sexuality.

So take a deep breath. What you’re going through is normal. Remember, love is love regardless of the label.

Sincerely,

Trevor Staff