Welcome to Ask Trevor

Ask Trevor is an online question and answer resource for young people who have questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity.

On September 1st, Ask Trevor will be transitioning to become a broader more effective resource for LGBTQ young people and their allies. This means we will no longer be accepting incoming letters starting on Tuesday, September 2nd. However, if you send us a letter before September 2nd, you will receive a response. Please note that your wait time may be longer than usual. In the meantime, please continue to browse through our extensive library of previously answered letters, and stay tuned for what’s coming next!

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So lost

Question:

Well, I’m male and wondering about myself. I’m not sure if I’m straight, gay, bi or what. I have crushes on some of my friends both male and female. When I think about the same sex, I get sexually turned on, but when I think about the opposite sex nothing happens. In person, if I fool around with the opposite sex I get turned on, but when or if I get the chance to fool around with the same sex, I get scared….So what does that mean? I’m in a point in my life where I’m always depressed and I feel alone all the time. I feel like I’m the only person like this. I’m really not accepting of myself and I feel like it’s going to get worse. I know gay boys but I’m to scared to talk to them. I found out my friend is gay and I made fun of him in a way. And I have a friend, we both like each other, but we never have conversations about our sexuality so I just want to be done with gay shit and live a normal life without putting on a front. Sorry if this doesn’t make  sense.


Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hey,

I’d like to start by saying how brave I think you are for writing and being so honest as you begin to sort out all of these feelings regarding yourself and who you are attracted to. Figuring out your sexuality takes time and can be a very confusing process. You sound like an extremely self-aware person, and I think that is a very powerful asset in learning about yourself and growing into the person you want to be. The most important thing to remember is that there is absolutely no rush to define your sexuality. Whether you identify as straight, gay or bi, is completely up to you and there is nothing wrong with being uncertain or questioning right now. You said that you feel like you’re the only person going through this, and that is certainly not true. So many people your age, and many much older, are asking themselves similar questions. For each individual, sexuality is something that grows and evolves over time. Like I mentioned before, you are already very honest and self-aware, and those strengths will only get stronger as you grow older. Have you heard of TrevorSpace? It is our free social networking site for LGBT and Questioning youth ages 13-24 to connect with friends and allies who are going through similar situations throughout the world. TrevorSpace is totally safe and confidential and it might be a good way for you to connect with other people your age with the same questions and experiences.

It is totally normal to have crushes on both your male and female friends. It is also normal to get sexually aroused thinking about the same sex, enjoy fooling around with the opposite, and feel scared to fool around with other guys. I can understand how frustrating that can be, and I’m sorry to hear that you have been feeling depressed, alone and not accepting of yourself. You are not alone. If you’re ever feeling that way, please call the Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386 to talk to someone about what you’re going through. Talking to someone who understands can be extremely helpful and calming. I’m happy to hear you have a friend who is gay, and it’s okay if you don’t feel ready to talk to him or other gay people about your feelings. You are in control and there is no rush. If you’re feeling guilty about making fun of your gay friend, perhaps you can apologize or clear the air if you think that would be helpful. I think it’s wonderful that you have a friend who you really like and likes you, even if you are not ready to discuss your sexuality with each other. It sounds like you have a lot of friends and people in your life and that is great! Whether we are straight, gay, or bi, we are all human, we all want the similar things, we all deserve respect and we can all live happy, normal lives. I assure you, for someone as smart, aware and honest as yourself at your age, your life will only get better and clearer- not worse! Everything you said is normal and makes perfect sense. I’m so glad you wrote to me!

Again, if you ever need to talk, you can dial the Trevor Lifeline or talk to one of our counselors through instant message on TrevorChat. If you have anymore questions, please feel free to write back!

Your friend,

Trevor.