Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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Hope you are having a great summer!

The girl & Coming out


I”m Pansexual. But only 2 people know, not even my parents know.
I thought I could handle keeping this a secret for a while at least until I was ready.
But then I met Sidney.
She’s so beautiful, and we love all the same things.
I’m constantly thinking of her.
I want to tell her how I feel, but she has a boyfriend.
I mean, I’m perfectly fine if she doesn’t except me.
But I get so nervous when I’m telling people who I really am.
If the kids at school found out, I would be made fun of so much!
I just don’t understand why I care what they think so much.
How do I handle my crush and how do I come out of the closet in the process?

Letter submitted by:


Trevor Staff

Dear ImmaPerson,

Your romantic feelings and sexual attraction towards Sidney are a normal part of being human, especially since you both have much in common.  Although you have already classified yourself with regard to your sexual orientation: “pansexual”, and although only you can understand where your sexual feelings are heading; as you mature and reach adulthood you may discover that these attractions to either sex may change over time.  Or they may not.  Only you can understand where your sexual feelings are heading.  The important thing to remember is that whomever these feelings are for – male or female – they are natural for you as an individual – and these feelings should not give you any cause to feel shame.

From what you say, I get that you have some fear of what others might think were you to reveal to them your feelings for both sexes.  Some of this fear could be based in fact, as at your age peer pressure in and out of school, to conform to the prevailing “norm” can at some times be intense.  And yes, there might be some classmates who might condemn you for your feelings; some who might even hurl insults at you, because of them.  There could also be disapproval, and pressure from some adults, parents included, to conform to their pre-existing notions of what is and is not acceptable.
You have two separate issues in your letter.  The first is how do you handle your crush.  The second is how do you come out of the closet.
As to the crush:  This could pass or modify with time.  You might find that you and Sidney could remain good friends without any sexual component, even though she is straight and you have sexual feelings towards her.  Since she already has a boyfriend, in my opinion this would not be the appropriate time to express romantic feelings which would complicate a relationship.  I think this would be true, if Sidney were a boy and already had a different girlfriend.     The appropriate time to come out of the closet is something only you can decide.   Some people are able to go public with their orientation at a young age, and some may wait most of their lives to do so.  Much of it depends on the circumstances of your own environment, and the social network of which you are a part.

Being accepted by others is an important component of being a human, so it is understandable, especially at your age, why you do “care what they think so much.” But remember, no one decides to be straight, or gay or bisexual.  These sexual orientations are all natural phenomena, and whatever that is for you, it is the right one for you and the one thing to remember is  - there is nothing wrong with that.   It is more important to be comfortable within yourself than to worry about the evaluation of others toward you, whether they are your peers or adults.

I hope this answer was helpful to you.   Please do not hesitate to communicate with us again, whether you use TrevorChat or TrevorSpace; and if you have any emergency situation please call the Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-TREVOR.  We are always here for you.