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There is this boy…

Question:

Well, here it goes. There’s this boy in my class, and we have been friends since grade 7.  I guess you could say we are practically best friendss – yeah besties. In grade 8, that’s when I really started to realize that I like boys. Believe me, he wasn’t the first but he is definitely the most important to me.  Almost every single class, we would sit together.  He would be kind of disappointed if I sat with someone else.  He makes me feel so special. My favorite class to be with him is history class because we would always seem to watch films in class.  So whenever we would, he would always kind of lay his legs on my lap.  Then we would get close – almost close enough to steal a kiss from him.  I didn’t.  I don’t want to freak him out, and for the record I have not yet kissed anyone yet.  This one time, I was wearing this sweater that was too small for me, so I took it off and left it on the desk to grab later.  He asked me whose sweater it was.  I said it was mine.  He asked me if he could wear it, and I said yes.  I even said he could have it.  He was so glad he hugged me.  For the rest of the day, I could not stop smiling.  He wore it until the end of the day.  He told me to keep it until tomorrow, when I was going to come over to his house to work on our history project.  So when I got home, I was in my bed staring at the sweater forever.  I grabbed it.  Then I could smell his sweet scent.  It was magnificent.  The morning after, I still could not stop smiling.  I was absolutely excited to work on our project, just the two of us at his house.  I knew beforehand that I shouldn’t expect anything magical to happen, if you know what I mean ( a little kiss – nothing extreme).  We were working on the board, and he had to measure the length of it so he asked me to hold the end of the measuring tape.  I assume he didn’t mean to place his hand on mine as he was taking the measurement.  I was so freaking out at this point and at the same time as he was holding my hand, I was lost in his beautiful blue eyes.  The guy seriously had lashes for days.  Again – so close to his lips, yet so far.  My dad picked me up from his house, and I left with a memory I’ll never forget and a huge smile on my face.  A couple of weeks later, I decided it was time to tell him how I felt.  So I asked him to walk with me by the basketball court and there I told him.  His reaction wasn’t exactly the way I would have wanted it to be, but I saw it coming.  He just kept saying, “I don’t know.  I don’t know.  I don’t know.”  A lot of people were blinded by the way he acted around me and thought he actually liked me.  I was a bit blinded as well.  I still have hope that he might be gay/bi and have feelings for me, but now I don’t even know.  At the end of the school year, a small group of us gathered to say our goodbyes and there he was – standing in front of me a foot away.  I wanted to hug him, but I just couldn’t for some reason.  I didn’t want it to be weird for him.  So I just said, “Goodbye and have a great summer.”  It’s not like we could hang out because he would be gone the summer to his lake.  The whole summer he’s all I’ve been thinking about.  I know it sounds bad but I have been home all summer long. Now, school starts in less than a week.  I’m so scared.  I don’t know how I’ll approach him and how I’ll reboot our friendship again.  I still have feelings for him.  Do you think he might feel the same way?  Also, we have our Quebec trip in October, right after my birthday and he’ll be my roommate for a week.  What should I do?  Please help me! Thank you so much.

Answer:

Dear Francis,

We are really glad you reached out to Ask Trevor.  Please know you are not alone, and we are here for you at The Trevor Project.  The thoughts and feelings you have toward your friend are very natural and normal.  You’ve identified yourself as gay, and it is absolutely normal to be LGBTQ – Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning.  Sexual orientation can involve emotional, romantic, as well as physical feelings and attraction for guys.  It is obvious you have strong feelings and a strong attraction for your friend from school.  Being true to yourself and honest with yourself is a major step in your self-discovery.  Why not go ahead and let your friend know exactly how you feel about him, especially since you both have not seen each other during the summer months.  Sometimes we are hesitant to share our feelings and thoughts with others, and we just might need some extra support and prodding to do so.  As far as being his roommate in October for a week, you’ll know when that time comes what you are comfortable with in interacting with your friend.  For now, I recommend you focus on reuniting your friendship since you both have not had contact with each other for months.  Your friend may have similar thoughts and feelings as you do.  Be patient and explore your feelings.

You might want to talk about your feelings with someone you trust – a friend, parent, relative, teacher, or school counselor.  You may also want to check out Trevorspace for support at www.trevorspace.org the Trevor Project’s safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24.  It’s a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same experiences that you’re having.  There are also a few other Trevor resources that might be helpful.  We always have the free, confidential and 24-7 Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-Trevor.  You can call anytime you want to talk to someone, day or night.  You can also visit TrevorChat for a safe conversation with one of our trained volunteers (http://www.thetrevorproject.org/chat).  We hope some of these resources are helpful to you.

We wish you the best as you move forward in exploring your feelings, emotions, and thoughts.

All the best,

The Trevor Project