Ask Trevor

We have transitioned Ask Trevor into a broader, more effective resource for LGBTQ young people and their allies.

Please check out our new FAQ page here: http://TrevorSupportCenter.org

This girl…

Question:

so.. theres this girl… her names Bri.. and.. i think i love her.. no, i know i do… i thinks she likes me too but i dont know what to do…

Original letter submitted by:

Answer:

Sincerely,
Trevor

It’s great you found someone you love. Your question about what to do next is exactly the question humans have had for thousands of years, so you’re in good company; historic even.

Here’s the problem as most of us humans see it, particularly when we think the other person likes us too but we’re not entirely sure: if I tell someone I love/like them and they don’t feel the same way back then it’s awkward and they might not want to hang around as much as they have so far. On the other hand, if the feeling is mutual, bliss is surely just waiting for me to open my mouth.

Luckily, relationships are usually more complex than just like or dislike. There can be shades of both or one present at any given time in a relationship. And also, luckily, there is not any “right thing” to say or “right time” to act. It might be easier to have a play book and know when to say and do just the right thing, but then we’d miss out on the very human acts of learning, loving, and loss.

No one can advise you what to do or when to do it, but it might be useful for you to know where you stand on the “should I tell her or not tell her” scale. Take a piece of paper, write down all the things you like about Bri. Be thorough, and write down everything no matter how silly or secret you think it is. Then write down on the other side all the concerns you have about what will go wrong if you tell Bri and she doesn’t want to hang out anymore. After you have a list of both things you’ll be able to see the top three things on each list, and what you get to do is decide if the best 3 things from one list over-ride the three top things from the other list. That may give you a clue about what to do. And at that point you’ve done what you need to do.

So then, armed with some good information you can decide to tell Bri you love her or you can decide not to tell her just yet. But the great thing is, you’ve done the work to discover what to plusses and minuses are, so when you tell Bri, no matter what she decides, you know more about yourself and the kinds of people who really make you the happiest, what their qualities are.

You don’t have to do anything. You can just keep on doing with Bri what you’ve already done and maybe even do a little more “research”. Ask her to go to the movies, or bowling, or for a walk, or to a Starbucks, and just talk about things that are important to you and see how she responds. And then you have more items to add to your “Like about Bri” list. And you may even find some things you don’t like about her too. But more information is always a good thing.

The fact that we like or love someone is not always reason enough to compel us to take action. It might be enough that you like to be with her and do things with her, and you don’t ever have to take another “step” if the current situation is pleasing. And if you spend enough quality time with Bri, she may beat you to it and tell you she likes YOU before you get a chance to do or say anything!

We hope that things work out for the best, but if you ever need to talk it through with someone feel free to call the 24/7 free Trevor Lifeline where someone can help you with even more suggestions, or talk it through if it doesn’t work out as you’d hoped.

Good luck!

192