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Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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What do I do?

Question:

My parents found out when I was at my friends house. Someone had told them and I’m not sure who. My mom ended up calling my friends house to yell at me about it. Saying, “Is it true? Don’t beat around the bush..” At first I was dumbfounded because she wouldn’t say what was wrong.. which is apparently me having a crush on my friend. We have both admitted in liking each other but didn’t want it out just yet to see what would happen.
After mom got done yelling at me she told me to pack my things because I was going home. When my father and her came to pick me up, their arguments started. Saying how they are against gays and lesbians and how they are frowned upon in life and it isn’t right in any way.
From then on I’ve been grounded but I just got my kindle back. My mom has been going through my things as if it’s going to change my mind about how I feel. My dad works constantly but when he’s in the house he doesn’t speak to me.. I don’t know what to do.. I don’t regret what I did but how can my parents be so angry?
I also have siblings who don’t know about what happened with my friend and I. I plan to keep it that way because I remember when my older brother found out about me being friends with a lesbian.. Not the prettiest sight and I don’t plan on losing another door. Then my little brother would most likely blab his mouth to anyone in sight..
There are few people at my school who are bisexual, pansexual, gay, and lesbian yet the others like to blab and spread rumors.. with this small town maybe that’s how my parents found out.. but what do I do? Do I see her in secret? Act like I don’t care about my friend then go on with my usual routine? I’d hate to do that.. I don’t like lying. How do I get through this?

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Dear Renae,

 

First of all, let me tell you this: you will get through this. You absolutely will. Always remember that. No matter how hard things may seem right now, you will get through this. I recognize that your current situation is not easy, and it’s absolutely okay for you to feel scared and uneasy about what is going on. But remember that same-sex attraction is completely normal. Many people have gone through the same exact thing that you’re going through now. Just like it is natural for a person to feel attracted to a member of the same gender, it is also natural for a person with a same-sex attraction to feel confused, anxious, or worried about coming to terms with such feelings. Bust as the saying goes, it does get better.

 

I’m sorry to hear that your parents found out about your relationship before you could tell them personally, but you could consider this a good opportunity for you to share an important part of who you are with them. Though they may not seem very open to you having this relationship at the moment, it is very likely that they will eventually learn to accept you. It may take a little time, but remember that your parents do love you. Once you’re ready, try to talk to them about your sexuality in a mature and honest manner. Let them know that this isn’t exactly the easiest thing for you to handle, either, and that you could use their support. But at the same time, you should never compromise your true self to please them or anyone else. When and if you decide to tell your siblings about your sexuality, remember that there is no right or wrong way to do it. Just be sure to only do it in a way that makes you feel comfortable. But if you’re not ready, don’t feel the need to rush it! You can find a great resource on coming out from HRC online here: http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/resource-guide-to-coming-out. If there ever comes a time where you feel unsafe living with your family, be sure to contact someone immediately, such as a friend’s parent, a teacher, or a guidance counselor. Your comfort and safety should be your top priority. If you are interested in learning more about bisexuality, I encourage you to go to www.bisexual.org. Also check out the following resource from PFLAG for information: http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf.

 

I understand that you’re unsure about continuing your relationship, as well. I would say, in this situation, you should follow your heart. If you really care about this person, then you shouldn’t cut them off completely. They could be a good source of comfort to you as you continue to learn about your sexual identity. Even if the relationship cannot be romantic, having a friend who understands what you’re going through is very important. Also consider talking to other friends, teachers, or a guidance counselor – anyone you can trust who can give you the support that you need.

 

I also encourage you to keep in touch with The Trevor Project community. You can find an accepting community through TrevorSpace, The Trevor Project’s social network designed for LGBTQ youth ages 13-24. You should also know that there is always someone to offer you advice, either through our online chat service TrevorChat, found at http://www.thetrevorproject.org/chat, or through our lifeline, which you can reach by calling 1-866-488-7386.

Please continue to reach out if you need to Renae, we’re here for you! You are safe, you are loved, you can handle this.

 

Yours,

The Trevor Project

 

Trevor Staff