Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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Hope you are having a great summer!

what “myself” is

Question:

To Whom this may concern,
I’m not quite sure how to start this, but I am very confused about my feelings, and I guess I can say, I am just looking for answers. (This is an alternate email, and fake info, but a responce will still get to me.) I am 18, a girl, and have never had a boyfriend/ girlfriend ever. I guess you could describe me as “never been kissed, asked out, someones crush, or even someone possibly desirable to look at.” For about a year now I have started noticing “other” feelings. I live in a VERY conserative area, and I didn’t used to live there so my opinions have always differed from others in my school/ around me. I am painfully shy. A lot of times, I have noticed that have have had small crushes on gay celebrities, but always male gay celebrities. I have more girl friends then boy friends simply because I feel so much more comfortable around them. The only guys I have ever considered “hot” have been celebrities, and whenever my friends are gushing over a shirtless guy, I just can’t see what the big deal is. I have always thought of myself as straight, but now there are always slight instances where I see happy lesbian couples, and think, “that wouldn’t be terrible.” I would never consider sucide unless I sunk VERY, VERY low, I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it. I find nothing wrong with LBGT people, and wish there were more around me to be friends with and to talk to. I guess, its just upsetting to see all my friends have their first kiss or boyfriend or prom preposal, and then there is just me, alone, again. I always wonder what other see when they look at me, I know I shouldn’t care what others think, but it’s hard not to. I love the show glee, and I love how they always tell you to be yourself, and I strongly believe that, but I am having a hard time finding out what “myself” is. I wish there was a simple answer. I just needed to talk to someone. (I will NOT bring this up with my parents, they would just brush it off as being confused.) Could you please help?

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

Hi,

I am very glad that you wrote. And, I am happy we can be here for you. It sounds like you are dealing with a really tough situation. It so hard to figure out who you are, what you like, and how to explain that to the people in your life. Even though this can be confusing and difficult, it sounds like you are doing a really good job of handling it so far.

It can be really hard to figure out what, and who you like. Sometimes it’s not about whether it’s a guy or a girl, but who the person is. For a lot of people, if you like the person, it sometimes doesn’t matter whether they are male or female. If you aren’t sure what you like -there’s no rush! You don’t have to figure it out right away, and you don’t need to pressure yourself to make a decision. And, until you have experienced a relationship with either a guy or girl, it will be hard to figure this out. Give yourself some time to think. Don’t worry about telling people until you have it figured out yourself. However, it might help if you had someone who you trusted, who you could talk about all of this with. Maybe a close family member – like an older cousin or aunt or uncle, or maybe a teacher or guidance counselor at school. Really, just anyone you trust and feel you can confide in. The answers will all come from you, but it can really help just to have someone to talk to about all of this. Give yourself time to figure it all out, and when the time comes, you can begin to come out, just one person at a time. With each person, it will get easier.

Whatever gender and whoever you decide that you are attracted to, there is nothing wrong or weird about it. It’s totally normal to like guys or girls or both. And, you’re smart enough to know that the people who criticize you for that are the ones who are wrong.

I want to let you know that we are here to talk, anytime you want – 24 hours a day, every day. We would love to talk with you and help you through this. The number is 866-4-U-Trevor (866-488-7386). If talking isn’t your thing, we also have an instant messenger chat, which you can talk in real time with us. That’s available through our website (TheTrevorProject.org). And, we also have something called TrevorSpace.org which is kind of like a Facebook but just for lesbian, gay, bisexuals, transgender and questioning young people, up to age 24. And it’s moderated, so it’s a safe place to chat with people your age who are going through similar situations and may have good advice on how to deal with them. If you want to find out some more about bisexuality, check out these two sites: bisexual.org/resources and: biresource.net

I hope that you this helps you. Like I said, I think you are doing a great job of handling all of this. I hope you give us a call sometime.

Your friend,

Trevor Staff