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Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

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What to do…

Question:

Hi, my name is Cori. I don’t really know where to start, so I guess I’ll start at the begining. The summer after my freshman year in high school, I played on a softball team where I met a girl, lets call her Jes. Jes was two years older than me and that summer she helped me accept myself. We fell in love that summer. Eventually the summer had to end and the two of us went to different school so we didnt see each other often. Shortly after school started in August, I was raped by a man trying to “fix” me. I told no one, not even Jes.

It wasnt until a few months later that I realized I hadn’t had my period in three months. I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I spent a few days debating what I should do, and the day I decided I would have the baby and give it up for adoption was the day I misscarried. I went home that day devastated. I found my stash of Valium and took them all, planning to OD. Jes found me though, and she got me to throw up just enough that I didnt OD. I finally told her what happened and she helped me out of the depression I was wallowing in.

The school year ended and Jes and I got together again. We spent the summer months together like we had the previous summer. It wasn’t until Jes had to leave for college that I realized how much I really loved her. I was going to miss her so much. The night before she left she met up with me. We were in my room (without my parents knowing) when she proposed to me. I loved her, so I said yes. We spent the rest of the night planning our wedding.

The school year started, and a month after Jes proposed to me, I got a phone call from her mother. Jes had commited suicide. Her roommate found her. I was devastated. I began failing classes in school, getting into arguments with my parents, and losing my friends. I was lost without her. I did pull myself together though, and I got my grades up and began to fix things with my parents.

Now I’m in my senior year, and I should be over Jes since it has been more than a year since she died. But I still can’t get her out of my head. I miss her like crazy. I’m with another girl now, and I feel like I’m cheating on Jes, even though I know I’m not. I don’t know what to do. Should I tell the girl I’m with now that I’m still in love with a girl that killed herself more than a year ago? Should I go on pretending nothing’s wrong? I don’t know. Please help.

 

Answer:

Dear Cori,

You show a lot of courage in reaching out to us when you’ve had such a difficult year. It is extremely sad when a loved one dies and it is a lot to handle when you are young. First off, you have to make sure you take care of youself. It’s clear from what you wrote that your girlfriend Jes felt the same way.

When something happens that is traumatic, you should never try to go on like there’s nothing wrong. Keeping your feelings bottled up is never a good idea. You mentioned that you’re working on your relationship with your parents. If you don’t feel comfortable talking with them, I would encourage you to talk to a trusted relative or other adult that can understand your feelings.

There is no time frame for overcoming grief after a loved one dies, so be kind to yourself and don’t put pressure on yourself to move on at a certain pace. If you feel close enough to your girlfriend that you want to open up to her about your relationship with Jes, then be honest and tell her your feelings. If you decide to confide in her you may find that your girlfriend can help you get some perspective.

Also, remember that no one has the right to hurt you, or to try to “fix” you. You are perfect as you are. If you get into a situation or frame of mind where you feel like you can’t process all your feelings, please remember that you can always call the Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386 or you can write again to AskTrevor. You can also check out www.trevorspace.org. This is The Trevor Project’s online social network for LGBTQ youth ages 13-24. This is a safe space for you to connect with other young people and find a supportive network of peers. You will find that you are not alone and that there are people you can reach out to for support.

Best wishes,

Trevor Staff