Welcome to Ask Trevor

Welcome to Ask Trevor
Ask Trevor is an online, non-time sensitive question and answer resource for young people with questions surrounding sexual orientation and gender identity. Browse the published letters or submit your own letter.

ATTENTION!
Before submitting a letter, please be aware that letters are experiencing a longer than normal wait period. If you are in immediate crisis, please call The Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386.
All calls are confidential and toll-free from anywhere in the United States, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please don’t hesitate to reach out. You are not alone.

You can also access TrevorChat, our crisis chat service, at: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now available 7 days a week from 12:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m. Pacific / 3:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. Eastern.

Please note: If you reside outside the United States and you are currently in crisis or suicidal, you will not be able to access The Trevor Lifeline or TrevorChat. If you are outside of the U.S. and need to talk to someone immediately, please see the following link to international hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html. If you are suicidal, please seek help at the nearest emergency room.

Your letters are very important to us and all letters will be reviewed and responded to in the near future.

Hope you are having a great summer!

Why Do I Feel This Way if Everything Points to it Being Wrong?

Question:

I feel like I don’t know how to differentiate between who I am and who I should be. I want so desperately to be feminine, and it’s also what my parents and friends want for me, but it doesn’t feel right. I feel like deep down I’m meant to masculine things, like hunt and wear male clothes. I’ve always secretly wanted to be a boy. I just don’t know how to approach it, with my parents and friends or myself. I love a boy, and he’s straight (to the extent of my knowledge), so I don’t plan on acting on this, but I define myself as pansexual. I am so scared that if I don’t seem like a girl to him, he won’t love me, so I wear skirts and things, but I feel like in the process of doing so I’m betraying myself. I know he doesn’t care that I feel this way; we’ve discussed it before. But it was always really awkward for both of us. I struggle with attachment issues because when I was younger my biological mother abandoned me, so even though it’s irrational, I’m so scared of losing him. But at the same time, I am scared of losing myself. I feel like either way I’m at a dead end. Please help me.

Letter submitted by:

Answer:

I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time being yourself for fear of how it will affect your relationship with your boyfriend, family, and friends. Despite the images presented by society of what makes someone masculine or feminine, the truth is that there is a lot of overlap and that it’s totally normal for people to be a mix of both. Being born a girl does not mean you have to wear feminine clothes that you do not feel comfortable in, or that you cannot enjoy hunting. The key is knowing that you are unique and special because of the mix of the traits that makes you you.

It’s good to hear that you are with someone you love and have been able to open up to about how you’re feeling, even if it was awkward. That was a really brave step and it shows a lot of courage. Relationships aren’t always easy to navigate, but it is important to remember not to give up being who you are and staying true to that. If your boyfriend cares about you, it is not because of the clothes you wear. Do not feel pressured to do things that make you feel like your betraying yourself in the process. You need to be healthy in order for your relationships to be healthy.

On http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=731&Itemid=177 you’ll find the brochure, “I Think I Might Be Transgender…Now What Do I Do?” which may be helpful in exploring and understanding your feelings regarding your gender. There is also information on PFLAG’s (Parents, Families & Friends Of Lesbians & Gays) ‘Be Yourself: Questions for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth’ at http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf that can be of further help as you try to understand your gender identity. Remember that there’s no rush to figure this out. What is most important is that you are comfortable and safe.

 

We here at Trevor Project are here for you and care. If you are interested, www.trevorspace.org is Trevor Project’s safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people, their friends, and allies. It’s a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about your gender identity.

Sincerely,

Trevor Staff